


So much for perfect

by Thatanimewacko



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Volleyball Dorks & Nerds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-06-09 03:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6888796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatanimewacko/pseuds/Thatanimewacko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But perfect stories have never been much fun instead I'm going to tell you about Hinata shoyou and Kageyama Tobio.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> check the tags before you read there might be some triggers.

       Everyone is born with a watch implanted on their wrist. This clock counts down to the day, hour, minute and second that they will meet their soulmate. Underneath the watch, is the name of your soulmate. Everyone has one, it's simply one of the things that had been engrained into people's lives. I could tell you plenty of stories with perfect happy endings, one's where everything goes exactly as it is supposed to. Like Sawamura Daichi and Sugawara Koushi. How they met in high school and everything instantly worked out, and how sickeningly in love they still are. I could tell you about Kozume Kenma and Kuroo Tetsuro, and how they've known one another since elementary school, how they've been through everything together. I could even tell you about Asahi and Noya, and how despite their differences, they fit together so well.

       But perfect stories have never been much fun. Instead, I'm going to tell you about Hinata Shoyou, and Kageyama Tobio.

       Kageyama has always been and always will be volleyball obsessed. The name and numbers on his wrist never mattered. All he ever had on his mind was setting and volleyball and his team members. He spent most of his time playing games, practicing and going to school. There were far too many things going on his life to worry about things that would happen in the future. He was constantly improving his sets, making them faster, crazier, amazing but nearly impossible to spike. He let himself drown in arrogance, and it was really no surprise when he got left out on the court with no one to hit his sets. They were always too fast, too crazy for someone who wasn't his soulmate to keep up with. He hadn't met that person yet. Eventually, Kageyama was left standing in the middle of he court, realizing no one had been there to even try and hit his set. It was then, in the last match in his third year of middle school that the watch finally mattered. It was a quiet _tick, tick_ reminding him that he wasn't always going to be alone. The thought made the ache of loneliness disappear for a second.

Hinata Shoyou was volleyball obsessed too, but unlike his soulmate, he had never felt calm. He was always buzzing with nervous energy from an upcoming match, always worrying about every single thing, volleyball related or not. His hands were often shaking, his breath coming too fast to be normal because of how scared he was. Anxiety was a normal thing for Hinata, and he hated it. Unlike Kageyama, Hinata cared about the soulmate watch and the name written on his wrist in flowing script. Mostly it was all insecurity, that he would be too clingy, that he wouldn't be enough, for even his soulmate. That maybe his smile wouldn't be bright enough. The rest of the time he felt bitterness towards his watch, because there was no soulmate to help him when he was sitting on the bathroom floor, dragging a razor across his wrist because he couldn't _fucking breathe_ or when he was rocking back and forth and shaking in the middle of his bedroom with his door locked because he didn't want anyone to notice. Or when his stomach was screaming for the food he wouldn't give it because he didn't think he would ever be thin enough.  
Soulmates didn't exist or at least didn't work, because otherwise, they would have been there helping Hinata escape his own mind instead of having to drag himself out.Hinata was a firm believer in that. Until he met Kageyama, that is.


	2. Worrying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hinata worries far too much.

It's 8 o' clock at night,and Hinata is staring at the watch, the name and the scars all littering his wrist. _10 hours_  it says. That means tomorrow at 10. His soulmate plays volleyball then because that's when tryouts are. He's scared, and he can't particularly tell why. It's always been that way, but tonight it's _awful_  . Year's of fear, and sitting on the bathroom floor, fingers dancing over too-prominent ribs and destroying himself, all of the insecurities he's convinced himself can't possibly be real could be actualized in just hours. Every ounce of self-confidence he has spent so long to build could be torn down tomorrow. And the thought terrifies him. 

He's started scratching himself leaving long red marks down his arms and hasn't noticed. It's become a bad habit, something he wished he didn't resort to as often as he does. His roommate, Kenma has gotten scarily good at reading him, and his other roomate, Noya is getting better. A lukewarm hand wraps itself around his wrist.  "Hey," Kenma speaks in that quiet comforting voice reserved for times like these, "Don't do that, it gives the same feeling as a blade just doesn't go as deep. No matter how much it 'helps' or makes you feel better in the moment, it's not healthy. " Hinata nods a bit, looking up at where Kenma crouches in front of him. He's gotten a lot better since his high school days, but he's still human, he still relapses and is still learning to cope without slef-harm to fall back on. 

He places his head on Kenma's shoulder and feels the older boys arm's wrap around his waist in an embrace. Hinata still want to fake a still wants to fake a smile, brush it off like he's fine, but Kenma has been here before, and he knows that won't work. Kenma hums, the sound soft and comforting, somewhere near Hinata's ear. "I can feel you shaking," He says, still in that warm voice. "It'll be alright, just sleep and we'll deal with it tomorrow morning." The bed creaks on his other side, and Noya sits down. A hand rubs his back, gently, in a slow rhythm. The three lay down, silent, which is odd for them. Noya's hand doesn't stop moving, steady, warm and comforting. Kenma's arms stay where they were until Hinata falls into uneasy sleep, and the other two slip away after covering Hinata up with blankets.

It's nine in the morning when Hinata wakes up and has a panic attack. He can hear Noya's worried cries of ''oh shit'' and ''what do I do" and possibly a ''Kenma what the fuck do I do".  
It takes a while, but Noya ends up calming him down. He looks at the watch _47 minutes_  and rattles out a shaking breath. There's no going back now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for so much lovely feedback! I'm sorry this chapter is really short, but I'm going to change POV next chapter and don't want it to get confusing.


	3. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone knows who Kageyama's soulmate is except him, and they finally meet.

Kageyama is practically bouncing where he stands, and it feels weird. He just so  _happy_ , he knows why he's happy but he doesn't quite know why he can't keep the smile off his face. It feels so strange, Kageyama has never been one to smile much especially over trivial things. Meeting his soulmate is great  and all, but he assumed it had very little to do with volleyball and was therefore categorized under 'trivial' in his mind. 

>Kageyama can almost feel the moment that his cheery attitude starts to bug his roommate, Tsukishima, and lets himself smile, just to piss Tsukishima off. His other roommate, Kuroo just seems kind of pleases hat Kageyama happy. At the moment, the three of them, along with Tsukishima's soulmate Yamaguchi are waiting in the dorm room for Kuroo's boyfriend Kenma to get back from his morning class so he can watch the volleyball tryouts. Little does Kageyama know that since Kenma and Hinata are practically best friends, everyone besides him knows who his soulmate is. Kenma had realized that the two of them had the same times on their watches and each other's names pretty quickly, and had informed everyone else of it. It was really a miracle Kageyama and Hinata hadn't met sooner. Kuroo and Noya agreed they would certainly make an  _interesting_ couple.  Kenma comes running in, breathing hard and apologizing for his class running late. Kuroo immediatelt sweeps Kenma up in a one-armed hug, kissing his forehead and forcing Kenma up on his tiptoes, almost off the ground. "It's okay, babe, not you're fault," Kuroo mumbles into the top of Kenma's head. Kageyama rolls his eyes and pretends to gag. Those two have always been sickeningly in love. Yamaguchi laughs the freckles across his nose crinkling. "Oh please. you and your soulmate are going to be just as bad , if not worse," He says. Tsukishima snorts derisively "No, I bet Kageyama is just going to ignore them and when they do talk, it's going to be Kageyama insulting them." "Very funny", Kageyama replies sarcastically. By now the group is walking towards the gym, and Kageyama can feel himself light up because he finally won't be the fifth wheel. It's not like either couple flaunts their relationship in front of him, but he still geys excluded. Kageyama has been lonely for years, and today the feeling is going to stop. He can't wait. The walk to the gym isn't very long and the moment he walks in, a loud _beep_ reverberates, followed by the thump of a volleyball landing on a linoleum floor.   Everyone stops what they're doing and the crowd parts. There is a boy standing in front of him with bright orange hair, a short stature and wide brown eyes. He can feel something  _click_ in his heart, and suddenly everything feels right. It's a slight shift, but everything feels warmer, seems brighter, and he feels happy. The boy grins, and it feels like sunshine,  Kageyama's heart does a strange flippy over thing and before he knows it, he has an armful of tiny human. He's lifting soulmate off the ground, hugging him to his chest as tightly as possible. He almost wants to cry. 

Nothing has ever felt so right before.


	4. Sushine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they fall too hard, too fast.

Beep. Hinata hears the noise, feels the way his watch slips off his wrist, and turns around. The people who've been milling around waiting for tryouts to start move out of the way.

       Hinata spots his soulmate through the crowd.He's all long limbs and lean muscle. Midnight black hair, midnight blue eyes.  Hinata doesn't know why, but he grins. Everything feel _right_ and he feels  _happy._ Hinata wants to be in those strong arms, feels like they would hold him, as if he could feel loved. He doesn't know what it is, but something drives him and he's suddenly sprinting towards his soulmate, as fast as he can. He jumps up, throwing his arms around the other boys shoulders. He buries his face in the juction between his soulmate neck and shoulder as strong arms wrap around his waist and Hinata feels his feet dangle above the ground. His soulmate is  _tall_ , holy crap. Hinata knows he's short but  _still._ They walk out of the gym, and Hinata let's his feet hang. He loves this feeling, it feels right, it feels warm, it feels like home. For the first time in a long time, he's not anxious. He's not scared of this strange new person, not terrified of the fact that he's not grounded and it feels _ **so fucking good.**_ Hinata feels his eyes well up with tears and he's crying, tears pouring down his cheeks and burying his face into his soulmates shoulder, feeling the fabric dampen.  

THe gym door slams behind them, as Hinata get carried outside. His soulmate sits down on the cement steps that led up to the gym, situating Hinata on his lap. "Sunshine, sunshine don't cry," his soulmate says, sounding panicked. Hinata smiles, wipes a tear away with the palm of his hand and sniffles. "Sunshine?" He questions. His soulmate blushes " You feel like sunshine, so that's what I called you. I'm kageyama tobio." "I know," Hinata replies, amd he looks, actually _looks_ at Kageyama for the first time. He gasps "Holy shit, you'really pretty!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead! Sorry the chapters have been so short, my laptop is dead, so I've had to write this on mobile. Not easy.


	5. The story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They start dating, and kageyama finds out about hinata's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the really long wait!!!!  
> But pretty bad trigger warnings in this chapter for anxiety and panic attacks as well as referenced eating disorders and self-harm.

They start dating, and it's magical. Kageyama helps hinata calm down, and Hinata revs Kageyama up. They're not perfect, far from it, but they make it work. They don't understand one another particularly well, but they tolerate each other and it's blissful. Every time they hug, Kageyama still lifts hinata from the ground as if it is some kind of tradition. They play and they play and they play until they are exhausted and can't feel anything. 

That's all they focus on, volleyball and nothing else. 

Because volleyball distracts them. 

> It keeps Kageyama from worrying about why hinata never shows off it his body. It keeps him from telling himself that he is not good enough for hinata, that he should have stayed away from the sun in his corner of loneliness. It's strange because he isn't sure how to deal with insecurity and panic, he's never felt it so strongly before and he doesn't know why it's hinata of all people making him feel this way. Hinata covers himself constantly as if he is trying to keep kageyama at bay in the intimacy way. Hinata just keeps pushing innocence and perfect relationship and kageyama knows that is not what they are. He knows that they will never be that and he doesn't understand why hinata can't grasp that. He just doesn't understand why hinata won't let him go any furthur and Kageyama convinces himself that it is all his own fault. 
> 
> Volleyall keeps hinata from constantly running his hands up and down his scars wanting to reopen them, because when he is in the heat of a match and he is flying and all he can think about is the slap of his palm against a ball and Kageyama there is no time for silver and red and self-destruction. It distracts him from the fear of kageyama's thoughts because he has _always_ cared what other people think too much for his own good. That's all that keeps him from telling kageyama, even though kageyama really should know , and the pressure is killing him. Kenma thinks he's happy, that Kageyama will be there to help him know, and Hinata can't bring himself to go running back to kenma because now he just feels like a burden and he won't let Kageyama in because he is terrified that he might find out hat Hinata is just a fuck-up. Just a fuck-up with an unstable amount of serotonin, an unreasonable amount of anxiety and too many scar tissue. He's scared Kageyama will figure out that eating is hard, that he can't just eat and enjoy food like a normal person. He' s terrified that kageyama will disregard their soulmate status and leave him behind, and he finally understands why so many people say that love hurts. 
> 
> Kageyama and hinata are in bed alone at Kageyama's dorm the night everything clears up. It's late on a Tuesday after a practice match, they're together in Kageyama's room, alone while his roommates are at a party of some sort. Everything is silent and peaceful until Kageyama runs a hand over Hinata's forearm and he flinches away. Kageyama sighs and looks away. "Are you okay," Hinata asks immediately, worried. Kageyama just gets so frustrated because Hinata doesn't understand how at the same time he makes every piece of Kageyama's life fit right, he often doesn't fill that gap of loneliness Kageyama thought he would. Kageyama has been left alone on the court and tossed aside for his arrogance ad it has made him more insecure than he would l9ke to admit. He's convinced everyone will get tired of him and leave, and Hinata certainly isn't acting like he wants to stay, like he actually wants to be Kageyama's other half. It's drivng him insane, and they way Hinata's big brown eyes stare up at him and the way he smiles like it's all okay, and it's not okay because hinata doesn't understand any of this and kageyam wants to make him understand.   
>  Kageyma rolls off the bed and stands up, staring down at hinata. "No, actually, I'm not okay." Before Hinata can say anything, Kageyama is continuing n because suddenly he can't stop himself. "It's not okay because you're making me feel bad. I know you don't mean to, but you always flinch away when I get anywhere near most of your body, and you never even wear a short sleeve shirt, as if you're too afraid to even show me your forearms! It makes me feel like I am not good enough for you, and I know you're not trying to do that but you are, and I hate it! Your my soulmate, and I think I might love you, so your not supposed to make me feel like this. " He draws his gaze away from Hinata and swallows. "I'm sorry."   
> Hinata shakes his head, staring at the sheets as if he can find the words to say in the folds of fabric. "Don't be sorry, just sit down for a moment," He says and reaches a hand out towards Kageyama wearily. Kageyama takes it, and sits on the bed next to Hinata, the only sounds the rustle of fabric and heavy breathing. It takes a moment for Kageyama to realize that Hinata is trying to get his composure back. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry....I just-" Kageyama begins,but Hinata interrupts him, wiping a tear away. "It's fine, really, this conversation is just happening sooner than I hoped it would."   
>  "Don't say anything, just let me explain, Okay?" Kageyama nods and Hinata continues. "So you know how nervous I get before games? Like, I end up making myself sick because I worry so much? It's because I have an anxiety disorder. I can't really control it, I'm anxious all the time, usually over stupid stuff that the rational part of my brain knows is ridiculous, but has no control of me anymore because the ball of panic in my stomach takes over everything else. That's called a panic attack, and I get them a lot. I've alway hated it because it made me feel week and different from everyone else. In high school, I started taking really strong meds, and they stopped my anxiety, but they took away all of my feelings. They made me feel numb, so I did anything I could to feel something.  
>  "I took a razorblade o my skin so many times I couldn't even give you a number because of how disgusted you would be. It's the strangest thing, but the physical pain distracted from every other bad thing, and it made me feel something besides numb. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea into my head that I was fat, probably from staring at my thighs so long after slicing them open, but that's beside the point. The idea lodged itself into my mind like a parasite and eating became a direct link to my weight. I would only eat enough not to pass out in practice and that was it. Keep in mind, I started cutting myself about a year before anorexia dug itself a place in my life. The sensation of an empty stomach and the comfort of stinging wrist became something I needed, it became my coping method.Throughout my senior year, I was just scraping by, slowly self-destructing behind closed doors. I graduated, and two days later, my little sister caught me in the bathroom, cutting myself. I don't think I'll ever forget her face. The doctors took me off that medication, and then put me on a better one and I went through a month of intensive rehab that summer. I've gotten better, but I still want to fall back into my old habits. I didn't want you to see my scars and leave me because I have so many issues." 
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all very much for reading, and giving kudo's and comment, this had been quiet fun to write and while it may not be the best story, i hope you enjoyed it.


	6. Epilougue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They aren't leaving one another any time soon.

Kagayama's mouth opens in shock. He swallows hard, trying to comprehend what has just happened. He sits back down on the bed next to Hinata.   
"Why didn't you just tell me that to begin with? I would've at least somewhat understood it. I'm your soulmate, I'm not going to leave you because you're a little messed up. It makes you human, to not be okay sometimes. So, maybe you're not okay more than others, in the long run, it's just another thing to deal with. You learned to play volleyball well, right? If you put as much effort into being fine as often as you can as you do when you play, you'll be alright. I'm not the best at words or feelings, but-i'm good at volleyball, and I think I can do a decent job of loving you." 

Hinata reaches over, and wraps his hand around Kageyama's. He makes a noise, half -way between a sob and a laugh, leaning his head into Kageyama's shoulder." You're a little messed up, too, huh?" He sniffles. Kageyama kisses his temple, "I think so." 

"That's okay."

"We're okay, I mean. We're not perfect, but we're okay."


End file.
